Here is my website full of things that are not quite good enough to be put into books and sold for actual money. You will see that I have cleverly given the site a serious looking title, so you can read it in your office and everybody will think you are hard at work on pie charts.


It was not my idea to have a website. It was the idea of my publishers, the evil Random House and the black-hearted Weidenfeld & Nicolson. Like all corporations they are both owned by Rupert Murdoch. "You should have a website!" Rupert told me one day. "They are a brilliant way of getting loads of publicity for your books!". When he says "brilliant" what he means is "very cheap". Rupert assures me he would like nothing more than to spend millions of pounds on publicising my pirate books, but he says he can't spare the cash. I think this is partly because he loses so much small change in that wrinkly face of his, but mainly it is because he is saving up for one of those Doomsday Planet-Eating Devices, "like Galactus has!". Rupert spends a lot of time forcing me to play at Fantastic Four with him. He wears a little cardboard Galactus hat he made himself and sits cross-legged on top of the Newscorp building, whilst I have to pretend to be the Thing. Rupert is so cheap he won’t even buy me proper Thing hands – he gets me to wear some old Hulk hands which he has coloured in orange with a felt tip. I hate Rupert!

a monkey and a pineapplea whale and cowboy