The Opening Credits

VOICEOVER: The animal kingdom. Of all the animals in it, there are crows. And crows get up to all sorts. So, when Simon and Andrew (both crows) get together in their house in a tree, all hell breaks loose! And the cry goes up: 'Stone the crows!'

Theme (should be quite 'rocky', like 'Eye of the Tiger')

The forests rocking with crazy schemes,
You can't sleep for the noise,
There's mischief and mayhem from all around,
What could be the cause?

Children shouting and women flee,
There's a fireman with a hose
All the people will go insane,
And yell out 'Stone the crows!'

(Chorus)

Stone the crows!
Living in a tree!
Stone the crows!
They're here for you me!

Stone the crows!
Simon and Andy!
Stone the crows!
Run away and flee!

Mr. Rogers lives downstairs,
He's one helluva angry bear!
He just can't stand those crazy crows,
With their confidence and flair!

The chaos never seems to end,
While they fight with all their foes,
Singing and dancing throughout the night,
For some calm you gotta 'Stone the Crows!'

(Chorus)

Stone the crows!
Living in a tree!
Stone the crows!
They're here for you me!

Stone the crows!
Simon and Andy!
Stone the crows!
Run away and flee!

(Cut to) MR. ROGERS: Crows are idiots!

The introductory words should have pictures of the animal kingdom in the background, and then footage of real crows. When the words 'Stone the crows' is first said there should be a shot of Simon and Andrew bursting out of some eggs. The rest of it could be them messing around and stuff.

There are two options for the end credits. Either we get an instrumental version of the theme, with a 'You have been watching…' sequence, or (and this is the preferred option) you get something else, something brilliant:

We see the two crows dressed in tracksuit tops, backward baseball caps and trainers. Simon has loads of medallions. They are superimposed (using that bluescreen thing) over stock footage of a rollercoaster ride. They then start to rap. The style should be like those raps that they used to do on 'Grange Hill'. They throw loads of hip-hop 'shapes'. It should be embarrassing to watch.

The Main Characters

The first crow is called Simon. Simon the crow. He's the 'arch' one, a bit like Patrick McGoohan in 'The Prisoner'. But he is also a bit of a braggart - a bit like the older Chuckle brother from 'Chucklevision'. He tries to be mysterious, but then tends to overexplain what he has been up to, as he can't stand the idea that people just aren't that bothered. He's also vain, petty and selfish. Both of the crows are quite self-obsessed, but Simon is far more so, taking not even the most basic interest in what Andrew is up to. Simon would like to be an evil genius, or at least a spy, and will clumsily drop hints that he leads a double life.

The other crow is called Andrew. Andrew the crow. He is a bit slow. Just like Simon he is aspirational, but doesn't ever get around to doing his plans, which are unworkable and impractical. He's convinced that his genius will be realised without him actually writing or doing very much. He also can't focus on what he's good at, and his inherent stupidity makes it impossible for him to realise that he is a bit shit at everything. Every week he will have a different crazy scheme, which he won't get around to doing, but he will talk about it all the time. A bit like the character played by George Costigan in 'So Haunt Me', combined with Clegg off of 'Last of the Summer Wine', with a bit of Mr. Meaker from 'Rentaghost' as well. He's slightly in awe of Simon, but not in a demonstrative way - which Simon hates, as he craves the attention. He tends to show it by creeping around Simon sometimes. He's also really into maps - he loves them.

Whilst the two crows bicker constantly, they are the best of friends. They just won't admit it to each other - and that's just the way they are!

The bear is called Mr. Rogers. He's a bit like the grumpy man downstairs from 'Mork and Mindy', who I think was called Mr. Waller or something. Only on rare occasions will he show his basic decency at the end of one or two shows. And even then he will quickly go all gruff again. He is always in a bad temper, and considers both of the crows to be frivolous idiots with their heads in the clouds. It doesn't help that he will often be the one who comes off badly from their schemes, like the one where it's pancake day and Simon flips a pancake right onto his head. His catchphrase is 'Crows are idiots'. We can see this going well on the T-shirts that students wear. Mr. Rogers is a belligerent character, and can be considered to be a bit like Stanley Kubrick.

Sets

There are two main sets for the first episode.

The crows flat

The flat in which the two crows spend almost all of their time. It is reasonably big and open plan, as with almost all sitcom sets. There are doors to the bathroom, bedrooms and corridor. There are a couple of chairs and a sofa with a television (which can be seen from the kitchen). There is a dining table too. The whole flat is a little bit shabby, but not too much.

Mr. Rogers' flat

Mr. Rogers lives in considerably more luxury than the crows. He has oak panelling and a thick wine coloured carpet. There is a well-stocked drinks cupboard, a cigar humidor and a trophy cabinet. There is a moose head on the wall. Mr. Rogers interior décor roars out 'David Niven' in a husky bear voice.